So once again I have been going back and forth about writing this entry because it hits really close to home but I cannot escape the idea of it from my daily thoughts so here it goes……There is a movie called ‘Love and Other Drugs” which just came out on demand cable if you are a time warner cable customer but anyways.. This movie hit me so hard. My friend Amy and I rented it one night. After we got the greatest dinner we popped it in the dvd player. I wasn’t sure what the story line was about but I knew that it probably somehow involved Love and Drugs, little did I know that this movie had a TON of Lovin and a TON of drugs all legal of course! I do have to admit if you wish to watch a movie were people are fully clothed then this is not your movie of choice but regardless the story line is amazing… I am not going to give away the movie plot incase you want to see it but the part that is relatable to my life was towards the end of the movie. Anna Hathaway is the main actress in the movie and she has a medical condition which affects every aspect of her life. I mean EVERY aspect. So to jump a ton of the plot there is a part were she is speaking to the guy, Jamie, and the conversation is getting intense between the two because she is explaining how she can’t ask him to stay with her and be there when she knows she needs a lot of help. And he says to her but you aren’t asking me, I am telling you that I will be there regardless. She then continues to argue with him going back and forth, and she hits him with this comment… “I am going to need you a lot more than you are going to need me.” And he says its okay and then says “Instead of us going places I will be carrying you so we can go.” Now to the average person you might think awww that was sweet, well for someone who has thought those same thoughts it hit me like a ton of bricks. I normally don’t cry in movies at all but this time was way different..
When I was down, not the first time but this last time for 6 years, the worst time. I had some of those same thoughts. I knew exactly those words that the characters in the movie were saying. At one time or another I think I actually had that conversation in my head… my emotions playing both the actor and actresses roles. When I was going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my hips I thought about the future and wondered how I would tell people about what I have been thru and then how, if I didn’t get better how much help I would actually need with a boyfriend/husband. I know that was thinking ahead but being the person I am and not knowing what my future holds I knew I had to have those conversations. How do you explain to someone what I have been thru? Still going thru? With a chance that my future might look differently than someone who doesn’t have hip issues. My life is different, my body is different, my heart, mind, soul are all different.
I am walking now and just this past Sunday I completed my first 5K. I am getting better. I am cautiously optimistic as I tell others but those thoughts from my past haven’t completely left my heart. I do wonder what he will think of my 15+ inch scars on each leg, or wonder if he will get it… or if for some reason I get bad again and I am unable to walk or have surgery or whatever can he handle it. Will he want to handle me? The thing is, I have always believed couples are a team and maybe there will be days that I need him more physically or emotionally but regardless I will always be there for him.. It may not be easy and he might have to carry me somewhere like the movie said but I do know that he will be carrying me in clean clothes and on a full tummy 🙂