Trust the Struggle

trust the struggle..
sometimes I think when you are going thru a struggle you feel like it is impossible to get over things. You force yourself to justify each moment and thought in hopes that it makes the whole process easier. You pick apart conversations and actions. There are those obstacles that sit in your way to trust again, to be happy, to love again. to want to dream, to just exist. i think we might have it all wrong. what if the key to get over things is to just simply get through them. To get on the other side of them. to know and trust that there is an opposite side to your struggle. it is visible at all times even if it doesn’t seem like it and it is clouded by the images of the problems existing right in front of you. It is there the opposite side where the struggles whatever it may be is smaller, less boldly existing. Trust the struggle, trust that at some point you will get through it, I cant promise that you will understand but you will get on that other side. Learn to let go, learn to forgive, learn to trust in order for you to get on the other side of what is blocking you from seeing the smaller struggle from your rearview mirror instead of the through the front windshield,,,

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I was thinking about you…

So they say that where your mind wanders is where you are supposed to be… or maybe it’s those who wander into your mind are who is supposed to be in your life… or wait better yet if you want to see where your heart is see where your mind wanders …

Regardless those thoughts have me perplexed today because my mind wanders a lot… about a lot of different people from different times in my life… sometimes it stays on one person for a long time and then when those people are active in my life it usually lingers in and out until I see them again. If I haven’t had any contact with that person in awhile that’s when they always seem to stay on my mind for an indeterminable amount of time. It’s not good, bad, insignificant, significant, optimistic, pessimistic thoughts… it’s just there lingering in the deep folds of my brain… mind… and usually my soul.

From the movie Middle of Nowhere
“I was thinking about you…
was it good or bad…
it wasn’t either it was just you,
I was thinking of you.”

I often feel that way. Wanting to tell someone I was thinking of them but not thinking anything in particular. But then there natural response would be was it good or bad… and I would be compelled to give them an answer based on their suggestion but I would have to go with my truth and say.. it wasn’t either it was just me thinking of you…

The thing is… we become human by the thoughts and emotions that we feel, explore, and know. If we don’t actually do those exact things then we may never have a thought worth having about a person.

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Visually speaking…

I am not sure if I would be able to formulate the sentences that I would what want to recite to you. It would probably come out in a jumbled mess that most likely the ears of our hearts would only be able to understand. I don’t even know if I could look you in the eyes today… I think our eyes speak way more than our lips can ever begin to try. The eyes have a way about them that take on a whole different tone then any one vocal chords could produce. Maybe due to that very fact they don’t speak they simply just see. They are able to focus on things that may not be want to be viewed but unless covered by an outside force they see whatever is in front of them. The shapes, colors, love, hate, happiness, sadness, security, insecurities, hope and despair….



Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

You can fall prey to a look, you can put trust in someone’s eyes, and at times you can read someone’s complete personality in their eyes. I was watching law and order SVU today, its Sunday so there is a marathon ALL DAY LONG, its perfect duh!… anyways they were commenting on how some had shifty eyes or could tell if someone was lying by them looking down or over to a certain direction. I don’t know if I could judge them by the location they shift their eyes but I do know there is so much to be said about someone’s eyes. Keeping eye contact when talking to someone it keeps you engaged and focused but there are those times when you have to look away during an emotional conversation or almost look past that person due to the fear that my eyes might actually form words. Maybe you aren’t ready for the “visual” words that your eyes can produce, maybe those words are to much for that certain situation… so you turn away.. look off to the darkness in hopes the person didn’t take note of the lingering words on the tips of your lashes that are wanting to be said but you refrain…

Curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you’ve made

Don’t wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t wanna hide the truth

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love transended…

As we know I am often inspired by song lyrics and the last few days of work last week and then today I have been driving along and then a song comes on that I naturally blast and then the lyrics literally transcend me to a place of clearer thinking… maybe that’s a good thing because one of my dear friends thinks I have road rage so maybe it’s the worlds way of saying sit back and enjoy the journey home by thinking about the song lyrics… well today it is..

Unconditionally by Katy Perry….
The lyrics…

“Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see
What’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

So come just as you are to me
Don’t need apologies
Know that you are all worthy
I’ll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you
I love you l love you

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?”

This kind of love exists…. I know it does…How do I know? Because I have felt it…I felt it when I met them… I still feel it has possibly transcended on many different levels and at different times. Many of them probably don’t even know that I have felt this kind of love for them. But it doesn’t matter I have the joy of having felt and still feel it for those people. To truly love someone unconditionally means that regardless of what is happening, has happened or will have happen you love them. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I truly cherish that love… I think sometimes it’s the quite love almost a secret kind of love that means the most because people are afraid to get that close, afraid of the fear alone, but to understand someone and know them is to love them beyond reproach.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I trust to easily, fall to hard, love to often and am naive. But to those same people I would say I trust until they give me a reason not to, I fall just as hard as the other person can catch me, I love often because everyone needs to feel the love in acceptance and just knowing that they are great the way they are, and well by being too naive I rather be too naive then be so hard and rigid that I am miserable. So I am going to continue to love… will continue to love unconditionally because…..
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

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slightly missing and possibly broken…

Broken pieces or missing pieces….

Do we think something is broken when in reality things are just missing and need to be found.. or do we think that its missing and in reality its broken… severally broken beyond repair. Even if you could take all of the pieces that you have kept in a bag thinking one day you are going to take the glue that life gives us and put them all back together…
………having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order.
……..(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing

……..not able to be found because it is not in its expected place.
……..(of a person) not present; absent or lost, not able to be traced

When it comes to things in life should we accept when things go missing.. I am not talking about lost keys like I saw on Modern Family the other night but things that really matter… should we just consider them broken with the inability to be put back in order or in despair if we are referring to a person. I would like to think that everything can be put back together or be found if lost, but I am beginning to accept that things might just go missing… not able to be traced when for so long you knew the origin and never imagined the end point as if it was the pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow never to be found.. Some things just might be broken, they might be damaged and with time they could be put back together or they just remain in despair. I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t even know if it can be found… so instead of forcing what might never be things will remain as they are… slightly missing and possibly broken…

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Bravery thru words…

So I’m driving home from work today and the Sara Bareilles song “Brave” comes on the radio. I have heard the song several times and didn’t think much about it till tonight. I turned it up as loud as I could before I thought my speakers would blow (you are welcome Dad) and just lost myself in the words. Which ironically is what this piece is about. Words… words are said everyday without knowing sometimes how they are going to come out of our lips, how they will affect someone, or how we are able to formulate the sentence in our brain and heart.

This is a verse from her song
“You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way words do
And they settle ‘neath you skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you…

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave”

Is there a correlation between how brave someone is and what they actually will speak about? What would you say if you had absolutely no restraint, repercussions yes but every choice of words had absolute meaning? I don’t know if I am brave enough to actually speak the words that I think half of the time… not so much out of fear that they will harm someone but out of fear that I won’t be understood the way I feel…. I know we have all experienced a time when we are sitting in front to or next to a stranger, family member, enemy, or lover and have held our tongue because of the fear of not knowing how we will be perceived. Can we freely formulate exactly what we want to say to be understood from our heart and mind…The words we speak should be indications of what we feel on the inside the fear, the love, the strength, the bravery.

“And since your history of silence
Wont do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?”

So here is my thought and challenge to my you …..
“say what you wanna say,
and let the words fall out,
honestly I just wanna see you be brave”

Thank you Sara Bareilles for this song and the lyrics!!! Love it!!!!!

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Simple Connections

Simple connections
How can one feel so much emotions for any one passion, any one person or any one thing so instantly…. Traces of those existences stay with you for a very long indeterminable amount time. Beyond the pain, beyond being lost in time, beyond lost in the ruble of a physical displacement, the things often times been thrown away like a simple piece of trash… The memory still remains… Remains in our heart… the mind and most fortunate and unfortunate place is in the very depth of our soul…

Things, people, places all come and go and after a simple connection made thru the most random moments it all comes rushing back to you before you even know it… You can’t stop it, you try to change your minds subject, your souls very own reaction to the memory but it’s too late. It’s there sitting in front of you like a human being… Starring at you telling you it’s okay to remember me, think about me, dream of me… Looking at you as if you can get up and walk away from it all.. But unlike a inanimate object you can’t walk away it’s there traveling following you like a shadow but its not behind you it’s in you, deep inside.

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the unwritten rule of “Must by this age…..”

The unwritten rule of “Must by this age”…

Graduate by 18.
Out of college in 4 years.
Married by 25.
House with white picket fence 2 kids and 1 dog by 28.

Does age, gender or circumstances put undo pressures on people and why…
I am beginning to wonder if anyone is supposed to accomplish tasks or things by a certain age because society thinks they should or if its actually what people want to do. I was presented with the question to myself really that at what age do adults need to have a job or be married or have kids. Is turning a year older bring certain requirements that society thinks are past due. I for one did not do anything according to timing of “the world.” Due to my hips I didn’t finish college in four years, didn’t have a job right out of school, still lived with my parents for a good four years, made zero income. According to society, and outsiders perspective i was not doing the natural progression of life. I remember when I was in grade school the challenge among young people was to graduate from high school. Then it progressed to you must go to college… I feel like in 5-8 yrs its going to be the status quo to get your masters. Jobs will require it if you would like to achieve more then an entry level job. This ladder of what you must achieve does not stop with jobs or education. It continues into your personal life as well.

I remember me and my sisters thought how we all would be married and pregnant by at least 25. Well I can say that didn’t happen for two of the three of us. We are all approaching our early thirties and only one is married and had her first child. Shows like 16 and pregnant are watched by thousands of viewers watching as these 16 year olds have a baby and start their adult life at a very young age. Very young age. I can only think if that was kids thinking they had to hurry and get their life going because they didn’t want the career route as I mentioned before.

Expectations for ones life shouldn’t be based on any factors then what you as an individual experience. Life does not go the same direction for any two people. And quite possibly if you could rewind and live your life again I promise you probably wouldn’t live it the same way either. Be encouraged by the journey. Be encouraged that you get 1 life and you get to make your choices and decisions by what you like, want and possibly need. A text book or manuscript does not exist for how your life should play out. There in lies the beauty of life.

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Random me…day 7!

So I haven’t blogged in forever and to get back into it I thought it would be fun to start with a picture So…


I started a new job about a month ago and am loving it!!! As we all know my life has NOT been how I thought it would have been. In fact in retrospect I am completely dumbfounded at how it all has worked out but that is the glory in LIFE!!!! If you can make the decision to work hard, keep going even when you don’t know what direction and have extreme deification toucan do anything!! Okay enough preaching from me! HaHa So at work I have been given the responsibility to create our bulletin boards in our hallways. Since it is a middle school you can’t go to cheesy but then you can’t go to artsy else it will just go right over their heads! So after some searching on my trusted Flickr website I found one with a quote I liked and from there it evolved!! “You are the author of your own life story!” At first it’s like oh that’s good but then when you really look at it, for me at least, it takes on a whole new life!!! The kiddos watched the progression from a blank board and then I added paper, scrapbook dicuts, newspaper, book covers of the most checked out library books (and yes Hunger Games made the board yay!!!!) and then the quote!! I never thought I would enjoy watching students look, read and contemplate even dissect a piece of art work that I created. It was an amazing feeling to know that by using some scrapbook paper, words, and some time I just might have changed a students life… Forever!! Which is why I love my job!!!

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First day pic… Day 6

I’ve missed posting a few days because I started my new job!!! Woohoo!!! I am loving it!! And while like everything brings learning, challenges and just plain hard work I am so up for it!!! I am very excited about the journey I am on and can’t wait to see where it takes me!!!! Along with working everyday I actually get to get dressed in more than jeans and a tshirt so I thought I would post what I wore on my first day of my new job!!!!


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